r/Tinder Dec 07 '21 Gold 1 Helpful 66 Table Slap 1 Spit-take 1 Wait What? 2 Silver 67 Wholesome 83 hehehehe 1 Bravo Grande! 1

Her bio said "isn't Kentucky the only state that starts with a K?"

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120.0k Upvotes

10.9k

u/ssp25 Dec 07 '21 Silver Helpful Wholesome

For a brief moment, the world made sense

3.0k

u/OrangeMustard101 Dec 07 '21 Silver

It was a Christmas miracle

1.1k

u/llort_tsoper Dec 07 '21 Silver Helpful

Dee was a burned out attorney from the big city who moved back to her hometown to care for her aging father. Beau rides a motorcycle and lives in an old filling station that's been converted to a loft. Dee and Beau fall in love after he convinces her to open a shop to sell the Christmas ornaments she makes with the local handicapped kids. This year's must watch Hallmark holiday hit is DEE'S BALLS.

304

u/OrangutanLibrarian Dec 07 '21

In the sequel, Dee and Beau open a small sweets shop devoted to that most beloved of Southern treats, the pecan praline. During Christmas time, they donate all the profits to Toys For Tots. People come from miles around to experience Dee's Nuts.

54

u/scope6262 Dec 07 '21

I was waiting for this one.

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u/00PSiredditagain Dec 07 '21

In the 3rd installment Dee has gone away for the weekend to see her mother. She encourages Beau to have fun, but does ask him to complete a list of domestic tasks before she gets back, the last and most important of which is picking up more pecans for the store before the busy Christmas week. Beau proceeds to go on a bender and wakes up on Sunday with a hangover and only 3 hours to complete the tasks before Dee returns. Can he do it? Find out this Christmas in Quick Beau Jobs: Don't forget Dee's Nuts!

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u/Juliette787 Dec 07 '21

Then they made a reunion 5 years latter. The business was failing and they decided to go all in selling the Christmas ornaments. Next year’s must watch Hallmark holiday hit is BALLS DEEP

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10.9k

u/matt-pikes-shirt Dec 07 '21 Silver Helpful Wholesome

Me, sitting in a room with VHS tapes, CDs and cassettes- I'm old :(

4.5k

u/Turkilton-Is-Me Dec 07 '21 Helpful Wholesome Faith In Humanity Restored

A museum?

3.1k

u/matt-pikes-shirt Dec 07 '21 Helpful Wholesome

A bit louder, sonny

1.8k

u/harveysceptre Dec 07 '21 Silver Helpful Wholesome Bravo!

Buttlicker! Our prices have never been lower

531

u/Hatchet_Jack_ Dec 07 '21 Bravo!

How dare you. My family built this country!

218

u/Anesthetic_ Dec 07 '21

It's a million dollar sale Dwight.

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102

u/Umeyard Dec 07 '21 hehehehe

Come on now, the may have built this... but everybody old enough for tapes and CDs knows that they built this city on rock and roll...

27

u/MisplacedEland Dec 07 '21

built this city on rock and roll

Well, Marconi plays the mamba, listen to the radio, don't you remember?

7

u/Belerophon17 Dec 07 '21

I was playing Guardians of the Galaxy last night and huddled the team while fighting Fin Fang Foom and the game gave me this song to whoop his ass to. It was magical.

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u/Region_Rat_D Dec 07 '21

Whilst knee deep in the hoopla

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u/Lunch-Strict Dec 07 '21

But, and hear me out here, the heart of rock n roll is in Cleveland.

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43

u/Blacksheepoftheworld Dec 07 '21

Fucking awesome

40

u/ReadySteady_GO Dec 07 '21

Buttlicker?

I hardly know 'er

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70

u/Ovenbakedgoodness90 Dec 07 '21

What? sonny?

You mean Sony walkman? It can play cassettes and tune into the local radio stations. It takes 4 AA batteries and it has a niffy clip so I can attach it to my belt, I wear it above my t-shirt to show it off.

23

u/dezzie9889 Dec 07 '21

Jesus I had this....

14

u/pearlsbeforedogs Dec 07 '21

Had one too, graduated to a Discman, then I thought I was really hot shit with my Nomad.

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18

u/StanimaJack Dec 07 '21

Grandpa, please go to bed

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61

u/mitchandre Dec 07 '21

I'm probably older than you, but I have none of that in my room or even my house.

51

u/colicab Dec 07 '21

44 here. I have zero VHS, CD, or cassettes in my home. I do, however, have a record player. But it is less than ten years old so that doesn’t count, really.

27

u/FLWeedman Dec 07 '21

40 something here. I have CDs in my car because I have some old, hard to find cds...and my car has one so why not.

16

u/[deleted] Dec 07 '21 edited Dec 07 '21

[removed]

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u/xMrMonopolyguyx Dec 07 '21

30 is the new 60 I guess 🥲

23

u/milkymaniac Dec 07 '21

I'm 40 but my knees are 60.

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39

u/egokrusher Dec 07 '21

I think you're a figment of my imagination cause Matt Pike doesn't wear shirts.

40

u/matt-pikes-shirt Dec 07 '21

Ayyy this fuggin guy, gal or nonbinary pal right here

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u/asciiartvandalay Dec 07 '21

Balderdash, you're never too old to cassette these nuts in your mouth.

36

u/WhoopingPig Dec 07 '21

We'll give you a point for trying

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22

u/PrisonerV Dec 07 '21

Got a new vehicle this spring and so many of the people who also got one were super disappointed it doesn't have a CD player and, oh, how can they get a CD player to work with their new vehicle.

Like, grandpa, nobody uses cassette tapes anymore. Move on. The thing will stream from your phone or even play .FLAC files from a USB stick. And here you are trying to get an 8-track to play.

19

u/matt-pikes-shirt Dec 07 '21

I'm getting a CD holder for my car for all my data saving CDs you tyke >:)

5

u/Shrimpy_McWaddles Dec 07 '21

Im right there with you. Just bought another CD for my car, makes the second in my collection so far. Easier on my phone battery and data, and easier to navigate and choose specific music than a usb.

Getting great deals from used book stores since nobody else wants them anymore, I'll take them and have a huge collection

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2.0k

u/CapriciousWasTaken Dec 07 '21

Isn't it wild that Africa has a country for every letter of the alphabet but K?

1.8k

u/ScarAdvanced9562 Dec 07 '21 Helpful Take My Energy

Who the hell is Steve Jobs?

3.4k

u/CapriciousWasTaken Dec 07 '21 Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome Take My Energy

Kenya suck on this dick

756

u/MarlowesMustache Dec 07 '21

Gottem

377

u/BearsAreWrong Dec 07 '21

He tried to avoid it but it didn’t work

123

u/Consistent_Nail Dec 07 '21

Basically summarizes reddit perfectly: we'll make the joke even if it doesn't work lol

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285

u/thattoneman Dec 07 '21

He will never recover from this sick burn

126

u/DarkenRaul1 Dec 07 '21

Cool story, but what was the name of that band that did that song, Radioactive?

271

u/Deniablish Dec 07 '21

imagine dragons these nuts across yo face

271

u/DarkenRaul1 Dec 07 '21

Imagine Dragon these nuts across yo fac-…. Shit

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31

u/mamkuibal228 Dec 07 '21

Sugondese nuts.

24

u/odd_leo Dec 07 '21

Dumbass walked right into that one.

18

u/pikohina Dec 07 '21

Ghana be fun without my dentures

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29

u/Nintendo_Fan07 Dec 07 '21

…ligma balls (dooo)

9

u/Broken_Successor Dec 07 '21

The fact that an internet joke like this has such widespread lore it is basically common knowledge

31

u/Xonadras Dec 07 '21

Microsoft is clearly superior, pc even got jobs in the end.

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258

u/jackthe-stripper Dec 07 '21

In case anyone else is wondering, there are no African countries beginnig with F, H, J, O, P, Q, V, W, X, or Y

293

u/RedMossySquirrel Dec 07 '21 hehehehe

Well there won’t be with that attitude

166

u/pinnokeyo Dec 07 '21

Petition to split Egypt into three countries: Egypt, Fegypt, and Phegypt.

Open to ideas for other letters.

219

u/pHScale Dec 07 '21 Gold Helpful To The Stars

F, H, J, O, P, Q, V, W, X, Y

Split Burkina Faso into Burkina and Faso. There's F.

Split Sao Tome and Principe into Sao Tome and not Principe, and Principe. There's P.

Change the spelling of Djibouti to J'Booty. There's your J.

Chad means lake. Lake is pretty much dried up. Change it to Had, as in "we had a lake but it's gone now". There's your H.

During the split of Burkina and Faso, Ougadougou becomes an independent city-state, in close contention with J'Booty for the most fun country name to say. There's your O.

Wakanda reveals itself from under it's cloaking device. There's your W.

Yuganda. Seriously, why isn't this one already like this?

Fuck Q, V, X.

27

u/sandnose Dec 07 '21

I second Sao Tome and not Principe!!

19

u/superjosh92 Dec 07 '21

J'Booty 😂😂😂

I would book my tickets in a heartbeat if they changed the spelling to that

33

u/blobsocket Dec 07 '21

Yuganda. Seriously, why isn't this one already like this?

But then there's no U.

Wakanda reveals itself from under it's cloaking device. There's your W.

Love this. And your whole comment.

13

u/pHScale Dec 07 '21

But then there's no U.

I wasn't asked to put a U in Africa, just a Y!

5

u/blobsocket Dec 07 '21

Haha I guess you're right.

7

u/Darker_Six6 Dec 07 '21

Whatever job you do, you're wasted in it.

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u/KinkyGurl101 Dec 07 '21

Burkina and Faso

Not the same thing but the country used to just be called Burkina

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u/Overpaid_pharmacist Dec 07 '21

I am an avid documentary watcher, and I can say you are dead wrong.

There is a country in east Africa called Wadiya which has a proud heritage and rich oil reserves.

Then there is the Central African nation of Wakanda, that is actually more technologically advanced than the US

59

u/tb458 Dec 07 '21

Well wadiya know - learned something new today

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28

u/Jomsviking Dec 07 '21

This news is very aladeen, much learnings!

18

u/AngelTheVixen Dec 07 '21

Then there is the Central African nation of Wakanda, that is actually more technologically advanced than the US

I remember learning about this a couple years ago. Great documentary.

11

u/BrainSlugsNharmony Dec 07 '21

My fav was the doc from the 80s about Zamunda. I hear they have a McDowell's now.

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u/HiSonImDad Dec 07 '21

TEN LETTERSit on your face

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117

u/Feature_Minimum Dec 07 '21

I'll bite. Looking forward to the punch line.

Kenya?

136

u/LetsWorkTogether Dec 07 '21

KENYA DICK FIT IN YO MOUTH

66

u/Sasmas1545 Dec 07 '21

kenya fit my balls in your mouth

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u/boofthatcraphomie Dec 07 '21

Only in my dreams, I’m not flexible enough in waking life.

5

u/scope6262 Dec 07 '21

KENYA FIT MY DICK IN YO MOUF?

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u/frygdxhmnb688 Dec 07 '21

Kongo

183

u/m_domino Dec 07 '21 Gold Vibing

KONGO WRONG WITH THAT DICK IN YO MOUTH

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2.3k

u/[deleted] Dec 07 '21 I am disappoint

[deleted]

1.3k

u/blastfamy Dec 07 '21 Silver

But have you CDs nutz?

1.8k

u/[deleted] Dec 07 '21 Gold Helpful

[deleted]

253

u/goddamnaged Dec 07 '21

You've killed me, you murderer

106

u/BlueTieLie Dec 07 '21

Did you die by assphyxiation?

68

u/lilwhyte3 Dec 07 '21

Definitely choked for sure.

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u/Incorrect-Opinion Dec 07 '21

I’m deceased

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407

u/shutts67 Dec 07 '21

I went to culinary school. One of my classmates had the genius idea to dip his balls in chocolate for his girlfriend. So, he melts chocolate, gets naked, and straddles the bowl to do a test run. He's holding the bowl, starting to squat, and he stops because his dog looks so disappointed in him

251

u/iSpeakSarcasm_ Dec 07 '21 Silver

Beautiful story. Tell it again.

473

u/shutts67 Dec 07 '21 Silver Helpful Wholesome Evil Cackle

I went to culinary school. One of my classmates had the genius idea to dip his balls in chocolate for his girlfriend. So, he melts chocolate, gets naked, and straddles the bowl to do a test run. He's holding the bowl, starting to squat, and he stops because his dog looks so disappointed in him

186

u/WtotheSLAM Dec 07 '21

It was even better the second time around

69

u/[deleted] Dec 07 '21

Dog thought so, too.

28

u/Whoevengivesafuck Dec 07 '21

And all the fleas clapped

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u/jiso Dec 07 '21

Now tell it from the dogs perspective

201

u/poor_charlie_bucket Dec 07 '21 Silver Helpful

Dog: I was standing there watching him about to dip his balls into a bowl of chocolate for his girlfriend to lick off and I was so disappointed in him. All this time, I’ve been licking my own balls for years and he’s never thought maybe I’d like some chocolate on mine.

65

u/Step-Father_of_Lies Dec 07 '21

Dog you would die from all that chocolate. Your body can't handle the theobromine.

53

u/poor_charlie_bucket Dec 07 '21

Stop with your lies! You’re not my step-father!

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u/iAmUnintelligible Dec 07 '21

It's not for the dog to lick off, it's for me

12

u/pearlsbeforedogs Dec 07 '21

Solution: dip his balls in peanut butter.

20

u/pinkbarracuda Dec 07 '21

Now tell it from the balls perspective

61

u/poor_charlie_bucket Dec 07 '21 edited Dec 07 '21

Balls: So there I was, just hanging free, right over this bowl of melted chocolate, ready to take a dip, praying that the temperature of the chocolate was just right, and also really wanting this because I knew I’d be getting some extra attention tonight (usually I only get a little and then she forgets that I’m there). I’m going lower, closer and closer to the chocolate, when all of a sudden, I stop in mid air. I look up to see what’s going on and I see the dog, staring at me in disappointment. And now I’m disappointed as well because without the chocolate, I knew I was no longer going to be the star of tonight’s show.

12

u/Dabidenko Dec 07 '21

Now tell it from the chocolate perspective

34

u/Bean_from_accounts Dec 07 '21

Chocolate: That night, I was melting in a saucepan and then poured into a bowl. All was fine and dandy, I just expected to gently coat a stomach lining or be served as the icing of a scrumptuous cake when suddenly, BALLS! Balls of an unnatural size and plumpness were facing me, approaching my immaculate and delicious surface. I was about to be tea-bagged! Thankfully, a dog came into the room and stared at his owner in disbelief and, dare I say, immeasurable disappointment. The dog saved my honor this night and I am infinitely grateful to his canine majesty.

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u/Clodhoppa81 Dec 07 '21

I compared the two posts, word for word, and they're the same, so now you don't have to.

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12

u/Distinct_Ad_4495 Dec 07 '21

Wouldn't that scald?

19

u/shutts67 Dec 07 '21

Nah, chocolate can be held in a liquid in the 80s and 90s

23

u/Kobe-62Mavs-61 Dec 07 '21

Has its composition changed since 2000 or something?

8

u/emperorhaplo Dec 07 '21

2000 F? Not a lot of people can reach that temperature in their homes.

14

u/Kobe-62Mavs-61 Dec 07 '21

Not with that attitude

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u/Kittybongo Dec 07 '21 Bravo!

Oh, when they did your vasectomy and they had to tape your dick out of the way? The worst part is when they take the tape off and it rips out your chest hair.

45

u/mr_GFYS Dec 07 '21

Yeah, it ripped off my back hair.

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u/groopk Dec 07 '21

Took my eyebrows months to fully regrow

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u/allsheknew Dec 07 '21

I can’t stop laughing so thanks

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u/shawster Dec 07 '21

I had to have a testicle surgically removed after testicular torsion. I’ve had some serious surgical tape on my scrotum.

Would not recommend.

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3.1k

u/All_in_your_mind Dec 07 '21

You have to invite us all to the wedding

421

u/Intrepid-Stay-2154 Dec 07 '21

I second this

178

u/OrangeMustard101 Dec 07 '21

I third this

129

u/jpatino21 Dec 07 '21

I fourth this

333

u/duaneap Dec 07 '21 Wholesome Take My Energy

I fith this dick in your mouth.

73

u/Gondalf69 Dec 07 '21

Ah yes, reddit :)

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u/TeemoIsKill Dec 07 '21

what about the welding

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u/opulentbum Dec 07 '21

Match made in heaven

211

u/RedLotusVenom Dec 07 '21

Match made in Kansas

88

u/Misty-109 Dec 07 '21

Kansas?

175

u/Socalinatl Dec 07 '21

Ligma balls

60

u/freezer_weasel Dec 07 '21

They smell like updog

52

u/rjnm1 Dec 07 '21

What’s updog?

92

u/FlaccidUncle_ Dec 07 '21

Sugma dick lmao

26

u/YeetedBot_YT Dec 07 '21

who is sugma?

19

u/FlaccidUncle_ Dec 07 '21

Sugon deez nuts lmao

14

u/retroredditrobot Dec 07 '21

Nothing much how about you?

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u/milwatt214 Dec 07 '21

I second this!

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u/DungeonsNDragnDildos Dec 07 '21

Only 34 yet I feel ancient reading this shit

423

u/populistproject Dec 07 '21 This

I'm 39. It gets worse. Way worse

192

u/jaeelarr Dec 07 '21

I'm 43. Can confirm.

252

u/eatsleepdive Dec 07 '21

I'm 114 and want to die. Let me die.

143

u/SnooBananas7811 Dec 07 '21

I'd pull your plug😏

80

u/Vereno13 Dec 07 '21

Kinky

36

u/nahog99 Dec 07 '21

and then I’d plug you back in

31

u/Vereno13 Dec 07 '21

And you shake it all about?

20

u/SnooBananas7811 Dec 07 '21

Don't forget do the hokie pokie...

11

u/EuphoricPreparation7 Dec 07 '21

Oh I’d never turn down some good hokie pokie 😏

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u/apatheticandignorant Dec 07 '21

Like I'm starting a chainsaw.

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u/roguediamond Dec 07 '21

My first hand-me-down stereo growing up had an eight-track, turntable and two tape decks. I’m 41.

5

u/acruz80 Dec 07 '21

Dude. Wood, with a glass front. Multiple components on each other, and two tall ass speakers next to them. The cabinet the stereo was in had an opening on the bottom to keep them records.

Yep, also 41.

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u/MrFluffyThing Dec 07 '21

32, I think it depended on which part of the internet you were part of. I didn't expect the Kansas/Kentucky switch up but tapes and CDs joke was with me in high school.

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u/Dick-Rockwell Dec 07 '21

I find the thread is far more interesting when everyone discloses their age. It all makes so much more sense lol (36)

20

u/Mesoposty Dec 07 '21

I bet all the tvs you had as a kid had remote controls you damn youngster.

9

u/PotahtoSuave Dec 07 '21

..... What do they have now?

4

u/PlantChem Dec 07 '21

Phones can control literally everything now

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u/djnz0813 Dec 07 '21

I'm 38 and I just checked myself into a nursing home.

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u/Cockmeat_Sandwiches Dec 07 '21 Silver

I need to start using old ass lines with younger chicks. I'm sure they'd think I'm all that and a bag of potato chips

406

u/levarburger Dec 07 '21 Helpful

You'd be dope for sure home skillet

150

u/Stop-Gargling-Balls Dec 07 '21

Word.

80

u/RedMossySquirrel Dec 07 '21

But people still say dope and word…. I am old

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u/YaBenZonah Dec 07 '21

I’m 50 and the 18 year olds love that man

39

u/Shadowytallguy Dec 07 '21

Good shit man, don’t let ‘em hate for the arthritis meds!

35

u/Whind_Soull Dec 07 '21

I do it to coworkers. Some decade-younger hipster coworker will be like, "Yeah, I buy most stuff on vinyl."

Cue me like, "Oh, yeah man, that's cool. Do you also like tapes and CDs?"

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u/Funkit Dec 07 '21

I read your profile, you gots some ‘splainin to do! laugh track

32

u/yourmansconnect Dec 07 '21

this chick really thought he just made this up

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u/DiscoMagicParty Dec 07 '21

I’m so proud of you son.. I think I finally found a store with milk.

wipes tear from my eye

47

u/GeneralBS Dec 07 '21

But where are the cigs?

33

u/jpena1157 Dec 07 '21

Knew I was forgetting something…
Back to the store I go!

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u/gmoney92_ Dec 07 '21

The hero we didn't deserve

322

u/Wonderful_Dare_4629 Dec 07 '21

Mission accomplished solider, return to base

132

u/OrangeMustard101 Dec 07 '21

And give the homies a kiss

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u/Brofey Dec 07 '21

We’ve still got one more thing left to do..

Bravo Six, going dark.

142

u/monique_desire Dec 07 '21

Looks like you both have the same love language lol

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u/MisterFunktastic Dec 07 '21

Have you heard of the band Imagine Dragons?

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u/LickMyAstle Dec 07 '21

the Beauty of this is that the ABSOlute best response to her joke is exactly what you said. Before y'all even knew anything about each other, y'alls cookies crumbled very well together in a spontaneous setup. Like the top comment currently says; "you have to invite us all to the wedding."

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u/hendreasia Dec 07 '21

And then he woke up.

At first he was in shock he didn't feel anything.... except... the creeping realization that it was only a dream.

Although it was brief, a single night in his 39 years of existence, he finally experienced what others called "happiness". oh, what a fleeting moment.

7

u/Citytown Dec 07 '21

I cry evertim

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u/pastelmonsters Dec 07 '21

This is amazing. Both of you are winners.

Edit: this is not sarcasm.

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u/trixtah Dec 07 '21

This man really spent a day on google searching for the perfect clap back

77

u/BatmanPooping Dec 07 '21

Gotem lmao

46

u/ifatree Dec 07 '21

she's certainly dispelling the stigma.

139

u/BatmanPooping Dec 07 '21

Stigma balls in your mouth

31

u/_Wheelz Dec 07 '21

Not only did you uproot this mans whole world but somehow your comment was posted 43 seconds before their comment, respect

23

u/aye-its-this-guy Dec 07 '21

Indeed this man is from the future…. Just destroying people in his rear view

7

u/Cool_Ad_2550 Dec 07 '21

i’ll destroy your rear view😏

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u/Arch315 Dec 07 '21

Gotem lmao

18

u/ifatree Dec 07 '21

she understood the assignment

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u/Octsober Dec 07 '21

This is how tinder works now. Witty school humor? Fascinating…

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u/startadeadhorse Dec 07 '21

Can sass dick? I... I don't get it...

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u/Criminey Dec 07 '21

“Kansas” sounds like “Can-zis” sounds like “Can this”

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u/certpals Dec 07 '21

Do you speak Spanish?

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u/bluekhan Dec 07 '21

Flawless victory

34

u/Thunder_Bastard Dec 07 '21

Real quality woman there.

How did you meet mom? Told her I was going to tape my dick to her head. Hey, this has been great, congrats on you 32nd birthday, glad we finally met yesterday.

14

u/parodyofsincerity Dec 07 '21

Me and my 300+ CDs are gonna go cry in the corner.

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