r/AskReddit Dec 06 '21 Silver 15 Gold 1 Helpful 26 Wholesome 20 Narwhal Salute 1

What do people pretend is in the bible but is absolutely not in the bible?

29.1k Upvotes

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u/GraceGreenview Dec 06 '21

'God Helps Those Who Helps Themselves', it’s not in the Bible.

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u/ReasonableQuit75 Dec 07 '21

its from Greek Mythology lmao

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u/derizen Dec 06 '21 Silver Helpful Wholesome

That Satan is in any way in charge of torture in hell.

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u/Uncle_Spenser Dec 06 '21 edited Dec 07 '21 Silver Wholesome Starry

Jim Jefferies had a joke, that if you're a bad guy and go to hell, Satan would have no point in torturing you, because you were doing things that please him. He would rather high five you or something.

EDIT Found the clip for y'all.

Just remember Jim Jefferies is a comedian and his main goal is to make people laugh, alright?

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u/ExaBrain Dec 07 '21 Wholesome

"You're one of his boys. He's gonna love you!"

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u/AllUrHeroesWillBMe2d Dec 07 '21

"Don't think all the drugs and big titted whores are gonna make it to heaven!"

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u/Malcatfreak33 Dec 06 '21 Silver Wholesome

Exactly. Satan is not there to torture the people, hell IS the torture. Satan will be right there in hell also being tortured.

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u/kermi42 Dec 07 '21 edited Dec 07 '21 Silver Helpful Wholesome All-Seeing Upvote

My understanding is that hell is basically the furthest place from god you can be, and that in and of itself is the most pain an angel can experience.
All the fire and brimstone shit is just stuff churches made up later.

Edit: so far the replies to this have compared this interpretation of hell to Texas, Ohio, and New Jersey. You all ok over there, America?

Edit 2: ok at this point you’ve named about half the continental United States, please stop telling me America is not ok, I get it

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u/OccamsEra Dec 07 '21 Wholesome Starry

I actually agree with your take u/kermi42 but hell is described in the bible as fire. Mark 9:46. Rev. 14:11. And many many more. Although it could all be an allegory, but that part is up for debate.

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u/real_unreal_me Dec 07 '21

Fire was definitely a unique pain they would all have known back then, which is probably why that was what was described. But I also agree with u/kermi42 in what they say.

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u/Beegrene Dec 07 '21

A complex discussion on the metaphysical aspects of separation from the divine doesn't play to a crowd quite as readily as a big fuck off lake of fire that's gonna burn the fuck out of you forever.

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u/TheoSidle Dec 07 '21

"Burn? Oh, such a limited imagination!" ~ Pinhead, the Hell Priest

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u/heyitsmeur_username Dec 06 '21 Silver Helpful Wholesome

My brother has a friend that will argue with you that Jesus said in the Bible "Do as I say, not as I do".

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u/Infamous-Lunch6496 Dec 07 '21

That’s such a wild place to get wrong. That’s, like, Jesus’s whole deal.

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u/hucklebutter Dec 07 '21

Now if my dad had written the Bible....

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u/butterandsaltforever Dec 07 '21

Also: “I’ll give you something to cry about”

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u/justlikesmoke Dec 07 '21 Gold Helpful

Jesus also said something about thou not fucking with the thermostat, I believe.

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u/shinysohyun Dec 07 '21 edited Dec 07 '21 I'll Drink to That

Ye, verily, and Jesus assur’ed the masses, that while they beliv’st themselves to be sorry at present, behold The Lord in His Glory Eternal, for he shal’st giv’th unto them something for which to be’st sorry.

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u/Music_4ddiction Dec 06 '21 Helpful Wholesome Wholesome Seal of Approval

Pretty sure if we did as Jesus did we’d be all good lol

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u/Robot0verlord Dec 07 '21 Silver Helpful Wholesome

I'd also spend significantly less money on wine

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u/projectapprentice7 Dec 07 '21

Maybe they're thinking of this...?

"...So you must be careful to do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach..." - Jesus, The Gospel of Matthew Ch. 23:3

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u/[deleted] Dec 07 '21 edited 16d ago

[deleted]

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u/StorageApprehensive8 Dec 07 '21

You are correct. Jesus was talking to a group of people and was referring to the scribes and the Pharisees.

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u/el_muerte17 Dec 06 '21

"This, too, shall pass" isn't in the Bible at all.

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u/SawgrassSteve Dec 06 '21 Silver Helpful Wholesome Take My Energy

It's a quote from a nephrologist about kidney stones.

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u/meowtiger Dec 06 '21

for clarity: it most likely originated from one of three noted 11th-13th century persian poets

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u/crazyisthenewnormal Dec 06 '21

Half the shit Shakespeare said.

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u/poorbred Dec 07 '21

Followed by Benjamin Franklin quotes and Aesop's Fables.

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u/coffeenocalfnutrient Dec 07 '21

“Slow and steady wins the race!” - Jesus Christ 246 B.C.

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u/FormerLurker3 Dec 07 '21

“Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.” -Ben Franklin

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u/israfilled Dec 06 '21 Silver Wholesome All-Seeing Upvote

That Mary Magdalene was a prostitue. A pope conflated her with Mary of Bethany and an unnamed "sinful woman," because he didn't like the fact that a woman was important to Jesus and wanted to discredit her.

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u/gentlybeepingheart Dec 07 '21 Silver

Mary Magdalene was, according to the Bible, a wealthy woman who chose to support Jesus from her own resources out of gratitude for him driving demons from her. This was problematic to that Pope because it didn't quite fit what women were supposed to be like.

Mary, mother of Jesus, was important because she had been chosen specifically by God to bear Jesus and that was her main role. Mary of Bethany was the one who anointed Jesus' feet with perfume and her hair because of him saving her brother. Mary Magdalene chose to follow and support Jesus of her own free will. Mary Magdalene was successful and was not acting in response to the actions/status of a male guardian. This independence was not what the Pope and that society wanted from women, so they decided she was a prostitute. She followed Jesus instead of getting married and bearing children because nobody would marry a prostitute, not because of her own beliefs.

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u/King_Neptune07 Dec 07 '21

A lot of Mary's running around back then

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u/VadeRetroLupa Dec 06 '21

It’s understandable that it could be mixed up if one is not careful. In Matthew, Mark and John, it’s Mary doing it just before Jesus dies. But in Luke it’s a woman who is a “known sinner”. Both events are very similar. A woman opens an alabaster case of perfumed oil, anoints Jesus, people grumble, and it’s both in the house of someone named Simon. But the Luke event is probably much earlier. Simon was a very common name though. And in the next chapter Mary Magdalene is with Jesus posse. But there’s nowhere she is described as a prostitute. She was cured from demons though.

A pope should know better.

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u/Kiwipecosa Dec 06 '21 Silver

That Eve eats an “apple”

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u/Specialist-Start-616 Dec 06 '21

Yeah just a fruit not sure which kind

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u/solojetpack Dec 06 '21

Its been theorized that it was either a pomegranate or a quince

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u/Deathleach Dec 06 '21 Helpful Take My Energy

We can probably rule out the coconut.

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u/zib-bat Dec 06 '21 Helpful Wholesome

They could have been carried by a swallow

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u/FinndBors Dec 07 '21 Take My Energy

African or European?

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u/cudntfigureaname Dec 07 '21

I.... I don't know that

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u/EricBatailleur Dec 06 '21 edited Dec 07 '21

I've heard a fig!

Edit: So many replies, and a bunch of people wanting to convince me that it's actually whatever kind of magic fruit. I don't care, I'm not invested in this. I just heard it said that the original story was a fig. I don't care.

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u/dangy_brundle Dec 06 '21 Silver Helpful Wholesome

Maybe the miserable Westboro Baptist church people will see this and update their signs to say "God hates figs"

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u/Jebediah_Johnson Dec 07 '21

Jesus curses a fig tree so it withers and dies.

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u/Murgatroyd314 Dec 06 '21

This one comes from a Latin pun. “Apple” and “evil” are both malus.

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u/flareblitz91 Dec 06 '21

Malus doesn’t actually necessarily mean Apple funnily enough. A lot of different types of fruit could be referred to as a “malus” at the time.

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u/NichollasHunter Dec 06 '21

i just realize the demon in lot might be named after that

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u/RebirthAltair Dec 07 '21

Since I didn't watch with subtitles, at first I thought it was "Malice" and not "Mallus"

I also thought it was "Mollusk"

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u/Eternity_Incarnate Dec 06 '21

Also, that the serpent is Satan. It's not. Actually, my favorite all-time fan theory is that the serpent is actually Lilith.

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u/Magnus_40 Dec 06 '21 edited Dec 07 '21

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be"

I have had a minister 'quote' that to me as a Bible quote.

It's from Hamlet.

Edit: Lots of comments about the bible having stuff like this. Yes I know but a quote is a quote and from a christian professional you would at least expect an accurate quote from the bible but this is as wrong as quoting Hamlet and saying "Alas Poor Yorik, I knew him well"

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u/328944 Dec 06 '21

Although any time interest, debt, or borrowing money is mentioned in the Bible, it is portrayed in a negative light.

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u/StopThatFerret Dec 06 '21

God specifically gives a command that Israel is not to charge usury. It's not just portrayed negatively, it's a hard no.

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u/BigBlackDildos Dec 06 '21 Silver Helpful

Yes. At one time, usury was considered a heresy and a violation of the 8th commandment.

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u/minneapple79 Dec 06 '21

Muslims consider charging or paying interest/usury as a sin. It's mentioned many many times in the Quran.

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u/youngsyr Dec 06 '21 All-Seeing Upvote

Yes, but like all good religious zealots, they find a loophole...

Islamic banks avoid using the term ‘loan’, instead choosing to offer Sharia-compliant finance agreements. For example, if you take out a mortgage with an Islamic bank, you need to provide a deposit and you’d have the choice of three different ‘Home Purchase Plans’. 

Ijara means that the bank purchases the property you would like to buy, and then leases it to you for a fixed term at an agreed monthly cost. When the term is over, full ownership is transferred to you. 

Mushakara is a co-ownership agreement, where you and the bank each own a share of the property. Each time you make a repayment, you are buying the bank out of their share. 

Murabaha is where the bank buys the property on your behalf  based on your promise to repay them. The bank will then sell the property back to you at a higher cost which you pay in equal instalments over a fixed period of time. The difference in the market value of the property and the price the bank sells it to you is deemed a reward to the bank for taking on the initial risk. 

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u/aquoad Dec 06 '21

these are hilariously transparent schemes for technically avoiding usury and it's hard to imagine any self-respecting deity being fooled by them!

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u/[deleted] Dec 06 '21

This is like when religious teen girls will only do anal so they "stay virgins".

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u/328944 Dec 06 '21 Silver Wholesome All-Seeing Upvote Take My Energy

Thanks for sharing some biblical context, u/BigBlackDildos

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u/TediousSandwich Dec 06 '21

For my most important theology lessons...i go see u/BigBlackDildos

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u/aume3 Dec 06 '21 Silver Gold

God helps those who help themselves, that actually comes from the Greek myths, Aesop’s fable "Hercules and the Waggoner." where a guy was having trouble with a muddy road and was praying Hercules for help, Hercules appeared and told him how to help himself, the moral being thee gods help those who help themselves.

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u/HatfieldCW Dec 06 '21 Helpful

That's a good one. Dude prays to the god of strength to get his cart unstuck, then the god shows up, tells the guy to quit being a little baby, and leaves. Nice.

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u/Variation-Budget Dec 06 '21

guy: help me Hercules

Hercules: pull yourself up by the bootstraps

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u/SecondTalon Dec 06 '21 Helpful

A Farmer was driving his wagon along a miry country road after a heavy rain. The horses could hardly drag the load through the deep mud, and at last came to a standstill when one of the wheels sank to the hub in a rut.

The farmer climbed down from his seat and stood beside the wagon looking at it but without making the least effort to get it out of the rut. All he did was to curse his bad luck and call loudly on Hercules to come to his aid. Then, it is said, Hercules really did appear, saying:

"Put your shoulder to the wheel, man, and urge on your horses. Do you think you can move the wagon by simply looking at it and whining about it? Hercules will not help unless you make some effort to help yourself."

And when the farmer put his shoulder to the wheel and urged on the horses, the wagon moved very readily, and soon the Farmer was riding along in great content and with a good lesson learned.

So less bootstrapping, more "C'mon, Beatnik Flanders - is "Nothing" really the only thing you can think to do?"

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u/Eye_Enough_Pea Dec 06 '21

Put your shoulder to the wheel, man

Like, totally, man. Just do it.

I like chill Hercules.

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u/Kill3rT0fu Dec 06 '21 Helpful

"Not all who wander are lost."

-Tolkien 29:17

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u/islandsimian Dec 06 '21

That's no moon!

-The gospel according to Luke Skywalker 24:7

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u/kevingranade Dec 07 '21

I believe that's Obi 1-3:16

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u/Pixxel_Wizzard Dec 06 '21 Gold Helpful Wholesome Take My Energy

That money is the root of all evil. The correct quote is actually the *love* of money.

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u/zillathegod Dec 06 '21 Silver Helpful Wholesome

I loved something a pastor (priest? Idek the denomination of the church tbh) said to me once. I was down and out, and there was a poster outside that said you could come in and sign up for free underwear and thermals.

I went in and asked to be added to the list. He said the list had closed, but gave me $100 from the church coffers. I thanked him profusely, and he said “It’s not our money. It’s god’s money and we are just stewards of it.”

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u/Straightforwardview Dec 06 '21

This is a nice story. I think he understood your situation and gave you a hand in a way that allowed you to accept. It may have been church money it doesn’t matter who’s money it was. You got the help you needed at the time.

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u/zillathegod Dec 07 '21 Take My Energy

Yes that was exactly the situation. I cut the story short for brevity’s sake, but I was sheepish about taking such a large sum which is what prompted that response from him.

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u/Wooden-Pilot27 Dec 06 '21

Actually even that doesn’t fully grasp the idea. Some translations expand it to “the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil.” So there’s plenty of other things that cause evil, but money is involved in all of them.

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u/RodMunch85 Dec 06 '21 All-Seeing Upvote

The seven deadly sins

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u/Environmental-Bag-27 Dec 07 '21 hehehehe Table Slap

TIL that Meliodas isn’t a real demon…

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u/IfonlyIwasfunnier Dec 07 '21

The bible wasn´t the actual manga??? Jesus would have definitely animated it better tho...

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u/Shadrach451 Dec 07 '21 edited Dec 07 '21 Silver Helpful Bravo! Rocket Like

However, listed in Proverbs 6:16-19 are "Seven Things God Hates" and people should maybe pay some attention to those. These are almost definitely the source of what people later construed into The Seven Deadly Sins.

I should point out that Proverbs is not a book of the law, per say. So, it's not the same as calling these things "sins". But six things "The Lord Hates" and Seven he Detests should not be taken lightly.

Proverbs 6:16
There are six things the Lord hates,
seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes,
a lying tongue,
hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes,
feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies
and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.

I feel like these are particularly meaningful in today's world, and Christians especially should be paying attention. There is a strong emphasis on that last item. It's highlighted in the wording. Stirring up conflict in the community is directly in opposition to the nature of God, and that sort of division is deeply embedded in our American culture right now. God hates division.

(Edit to try to adjust some of the formatting)

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u/Weirdguy149 Dec 06 '21 edited Dec 07 '21 Wholesome

Since it's close to Christmas time: there weren't three wise men, just three gifts. No one knows how many wise men went.

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u/The_Griffin_Scimitar Dec 06 '21

They also didn't arrive when Jesus was a newborn, but more like a year or two later.

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u/MyNameIsRay Dec 06 '21

Bible says Jesus was born under Herod the Great's rule, which places it 5-6BC (and that's widely accepted as accurate)

Bible says the reason Joseph and Mary reported to Bethlehem was to register in Joseph's hometown for the Roman census ordered by Augustus Caesar, which was recorded as happening in 6AD.

That means Jesus was 11-12 years old when they went to Bethlehem...

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u/PocketBuckle Dec 06 '21

Wise men offer 11-year old Jesus gifts:

"Does it play games?"

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u/GletscherEis Dec 07 '21 Silver All-Seeing Upvote

Frankincense is BORING.
I shall return in the age of Half Life the Third. So sayeth the Lord.

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u/CatOfGrey Dec 07 '21

If the gifts were gold, frankincense, and myrrh, then any of those three things had real value being traded. So it's more like...

"Gift card? Yessssss!"

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u/tandjmohr Dec 06 '21

To be historically correct, there were multiple census taken throughout the provinces of the Roman Empire during the time in question and all of them were “decreed by Ceaser”. One of the primary jobs of a Roman governor was the collection of taxes which was based off of the population.

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u/Farmer771122 Dec 06 '21

If you ask my family, it's three guys, in three very specific hats, on three camels, each of whom brought exactly one gift composed of a single substance.

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u/tractiontiresadvised Dec 06 '21 edited Dec 07 '21

Are they also named Caspar, Balthazar, and Melchior?

edit: I had forgotten that these were used as names in Neon Genesis Evangelion. This wasn't an attempt at a smartass comment -- those really are the names of the Three Wise Men in western European tradition!

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u/Im_No_Robutt Dec 06 '21

Also probably not born in December

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u/soup_flikkker Dec 06 '21 edited Dec 07 '21 Silver Helpful

My dad said the Bible said "AI is the mark of the beast" i said "I can promise you NOWHERE in the Bible does it mention AI"

Edit: I did some digging and found a reference to ai in the bible

I guess i owe him an apology

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u/7ootles Dec 06 '21 edited Dec 07 '21

Haha. Given that the "mark of the beast" thing comes from a comment in the Revelation that we won't be able to buy anything unless we bear it, the only thing anyone could take it to mean would be things like bank accounts or credit/debit cards.

Edit: RIP my inbox.

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u/_PM_ME_PANGOLINS_ Dec 06 '21

When we all get QR codes or sub-dermal NFC chips.

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u/Threetimes3 Dec 06 '21

It's a bit complicated to get into a Reddit response, but many theologians believe that the "Mark of the Beast" on the hands and foreheads of the followers of the Beast is invoking the imagery of the Shema Yisrael, which is a Jewish prayer that God instructs the people to "Tie them as reminders on your hands and bind them on your foreheads".

Instead of following God, and believing the "Lord is one", the people instead have given their devotion to the Beast (often thought to be Nero specifically, but perhaps the whole government of the time).

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u/Milkhemet_Melekh Dec 07 '21

tie them as reminders on your hands and bind them on your foreheads

For the record to everyone curious, this is called "tefillin" and it looks either like this if you're Ashkenazi (diasporic communities between France and Russia) or like this if you're Sephardi (diasporic communities in the Mediterranean/North Africa/West Asia). These are also sometimes called phylacteries, especially in gentile communities.

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u/maruffin Dec 06 '21

The levels of hell. Dante wrote about his journey through hell. The levels are not biblical.

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u/Novaseerblyat Dec 06 '21 Silver

the world's first self-insert fanfiction

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u/Etaleo Dec 06 '21 Gold Table Slap Facepalm

Ye Olde "My Immortal"

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u/mentalina_at_work Dec 06 '21 Silver All-Seeing Upvote Facepalm

Dante Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way

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u/Fedora200 Dec 06 '21

Virgil, Dante's guide in Hell, wrote the Aeneid and is best known for it. The book is basically fanfiction that copies the story from the Odyssey and the Iliad and makes it about a Trojan who founds Rome. So the fanfiction influences go all the way back.

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u/BubyGhei Dec 06 '21

Yup it's called "emulation" (literal translation from italian, idk if there's another way to say it) and it was seen as a genuine eulogy to authors of other eras and cultures. Nothing to do with the modern conception of plagiarism. The good ol' days when people inspired each other's art and then died from a cold at age 25

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u/Tilian1986 Dec 06 '21 edited Dec 07 '21

Yup. And he mixed everything there. Hellenic, roman, christian, jewish. All he knew about back in the day. Edit 1: and muslim. Edit 2: holy crap chaps... Most upvoted comment ever by me. Thanks! 🥳

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u/Smooth-Corrector Dec 06 '21 edited Dec 07 '21

And what a surprise, everyone he didn't like was in hell!

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u/Tilian1986 Dec 06 '21

Including Pope.

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u/Aurum555 Dec 07 '21

Which one? He put a handful down there, Nicholas III(malebulge ) , Celestine V(antechamber ) , Boniface VIII(grave outside the city of dis) just off the top of my head

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u/_IAmGrover Dec 06 '21 edited Dec 06 '21

I say this carefully but I’ve never met a Christian who believes in layers of hell.

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u/Killawife Dec 06 '21

That GOD wants you to buy that second commercial airliner.

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u/wknight8111 Dec 06 '21

The whole "Prosperity Theology" thing where wealth is encouraged, especially at the expense of tithing congregants. There's very little in the way of biblical support for this idea, and in fact several places in the bible say quite the opposite.

It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God.”

That quote is repeated a few times in the gospels, more or less, and similar sentiments are made elsewhere also.

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u/gusterfell Dec 06 '21

Or for you to buy one for your minister.

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u/Pythia007 Dec 06 '21

That Jesus said anything about children suffering. “Suffer the children to come unto me” means to allow them.

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u/mcoombes314 Dec 06 '21 edited Dec 06 '21

Yeah, the word "suffer" is a weird one where the meaning has changed so much that it doesn't make sense in modern English. Same goes with "thou shalt not suffer a witch to live".

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u/DToccs Dec 06 '21

Same as words like "Doom" from older works like LotR. When they say a character "has a great doom upon them" they mean "destiny" not the modern meaning of "bad things".

It's stuff like that which makes you realize just how much a language can change and evolve even when the words themselves don't change.

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u/godisanelectricolive Dec 07 '21

Tolkien was deliberately using the older meaning of the word. Not many people used it like that in the 1950s. He also it in a second sense to mean impending judgment or decision which is another archaic use. He also used the word "doom" several times as onomatopoeia to mean a booming noise. As far as I can tell that's just a Tolkien thing. He just didn't care if he confused people and they needed to use a dictionary to understand him.

He used the word in an unconventional enough way that he had to explain to his publisher what he's doing. And he had to tell translators what he meant and give them an etymology lesson. LotR was full of archaic constructions like this. Tolkein was trying to write a history of a bygone mythic age so he felt archaic language was appropriate for the tone he was going for. He was also philologist who loved language and was an expert of Anglo-Saxon in particular.

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u/valiheimking Dec 06 '21

The forbidden fruit being an apple

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u/CaesarWrap Dec 06 '21 Wholesome

That god wants your sports team to win.

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u/PokemonMaster619 Dec 06 '21 Silver Helpful Wholesome All-Seeing Upvote

Leviticus 15:22. “And the Lord said, “Go, Lions!”

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u/mousicle Dec 06 '21 Helpful Wholesome

1-15-1 baby!

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u/refreshing_username Dec 06 '21

Athletes who point to the sky after scoring are worshipping ostentatiously which is exactly the OPPOSITE of how the dude called Jesus said you should worship.

Also while we're on this topic, fuck you Joel Osteen.

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u/Manaleaking Dec 06 '21

What is worshipping ostentatiously mean? Like frivolously invoking God?

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u/Rhumsaa Dec 06 '21

Showing off about it. Doing it publicly. The idea is that you should worship privately because you have faith, rather than shouting about it so people can see you claim to have faith.

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u/Pissedbuddha1 Dec 06 '21

It also keeps the ego from being involved. The ego loves to be seen doing good acts which falsifies the act itself.

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u/Carribi Dec 06 '21

There’s a passage where Jesus says, basically, ‘don’t make a big show out of praying out in front of people, you should pray in private on your own.’

Basically, your faith is not supposed to be a thing you’re showing off for social status, it should be a private thing between you and god.

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u/ChainOut Dec 06 '21 Heartwarming

Matthew 6:5-6

5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

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u/nvdbosch Dec 06 '21

Wow, Jesus was anti-virtue signaling. Who would've thought.

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u/bangfu Dec 06 '21

I think that there are a lot of things Jesus thought / taught that modern Christians don't think / care about.

If Jesus Christ came back to earth today, I bet he would go all "money changers in in the temple" on his "followers".

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u/Weirdguy149 Dec 06 '21

Screw him and the money that is in his walls.

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u/tykogars Dec 06 '21

I haven’t read up on this at all but can I ask what exactly are the implications/why does everyone seem so upset or even surprised? Isn’t it well known that he’s an insanely rich guy who lives in a giant palace?

Like is it a tax evasion thing I guess? Anyway he seems like a real jackass.

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u/Weirdguy149 Dec 06 '21

It's the latest dick move in a big pile of dick moves.

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u/tykogars Dec 06 '21

Haha ok that’s kind of what I figured, makes sense for sure I just wasn’t sure if there was something “more” to it.

Yeah those mega churches and shit are fuckin wild man that’s like so not a thing where I’m from. Although I guess religion is still pretty huge for some people here.

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u/COAZRanger Dec 06 '21

That people become Angels when they die. Nope.

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u/[deleted] Dec 06 '21 edited Dec 10 '21 Wholesome Take My Energy

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u/_tapgod_ Dec 06 '21

someone animated that recently into a HD 3D scene and it was sick as fuck

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u/solojetpack Dec 06 '21

Going off that, people seem to think that angels are these beautiful dove winged creatures, but they're described as being creatures so terrifying that they strike fear into literally everyone who encounters them. In reality,, angels would probably be terrifying Lovecraftian creatures.

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u/Vat1canCame0s Dec 07 '21

Why else would so many of them open with "be ye not afraid" when they talk to people?

Gideon screaming

The angel: "Dude. Chill. It's cool. Be cool G be cool!"

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u/Shufflepants Dec 06 '21

Yeah, they're described as like an eye in a wheel of fire with 7 pairs of wings or some shit.

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u/BruceReeLoy Dec 06 '21

"Be not afraid", the go to trigger warning all the angels get in their HR onboarding.

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u/ChristineWhy Dec 07 '21

Not all of them, only particular kinds. Generally the messenger kinds of angels appear as handsome youths. Nothing about wings - that’s a symbol of their speed. But just handsome young men. Only in the prophets like Ezekiel do we get descriptions of crazy sounding, 6-winged, many-eyed, etc.

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u/gentlybeepingheart Dec 06 '21 Helpful

Most stuff about Satan and Hell. He doesn't actually show up that much in the Bible and most stuff about him is taken from other previous cultures like Hades. Most of what people think of Hell is from Dante's Inferno.

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u/gonzo4209 Dec 06 '21

Just like most people's ideas of Satan come from Milton's Paradise Lost.

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u/locks_are_paranoid Dec 06 '21

Also how the vast majority of stuff about pirates comes from Treasure Island. There's literally zero evidence of pirates burying treasure in real life.

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u/Purple_Tuxedo Dec 06 '21

A podcast/documentary I heard once described actual piracy as basically hiding the bushes and robbing Amazon Prime vans

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u/Dolthra Dec 06 '21 Silver Gold Helpful Take My Energy

Honestly if you include the whole privateering days its funnier.

Imagine Walmart was in a tiff with Amazon, knew Amazon sent a lot of ships to and from Las Vegas, and so hired a bunch of people to rob the Amazon Prime vans. Eventually, Walmart and Amazon make amends, and Walmart tells its thieves to stop- but some of them decide they really like stealing from Amazon Prime vans. So Walmart says they'll kill anyone found stealing, and the thieves decide now they're not going to steal just from Amazon Prime vans, but Walmart vans too- and maybe even some FedEx vans for good measure. So they spend all their time wandering around the roads of the Mojave desert, just hoping to come across any delivery van to steal from. This only lasts like five years before they all die or get bored.

That's essentially the history of piracy.

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u/It_Happens_Today Dec 06 '21

So New Vegas was historically accurate is what I am reading.

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u/twec21 Dec 06 '21

"And we'll call this new nation....Libertalia Nassau Las Vegas!"

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u/TediousSandwich Dec 06 '21 Silver

William Kidd did! The ONLY reason i know this is because i was reading about pirates this morning. Which is how EVERY morning should start.

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u/Psychological_Tap187 Dec 06 '21

On the subject of satan lots of people think he is in charge of hell for some reason. He’s totally not.

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u/prophet583 Dec 06 '21 edited Dec 07 '21

So you're saying that he isn't down there every day buggering Hitler who is wearing a French Maid outfit? That's disappointing.

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u/HiopXenophil Dec 06 '21

But Hades was the nicest of the three main gods

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u/IDKThatSong Dec 06 '21

Zeus rapes thousands of women Poseidon probably does the same Hades is in charge of BILLIONS of dead people, ISNT an olympian, and doesn't even complain

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u/Scudamore Dec 06 '21

They way he ends up with Persephone is shady, but nothing compared to Zeus and Poseidon. And he lets her live with her mom half the time while he's stuck in the basement alone with all the dead people.

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u/OtherPlayers Dec 07 '21

And that’s actually a later invention too! Persephone herself might have actually started out as kind of the goddess of the dead herself originally.

Overly Sarcastic did a pretty cool video on it.

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u/UnfairMicrowave Dec 06 '21

And nowhere does it say Hades is going around raping the dead. I'd say he's one of the good ones.

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u/Your_DearMother Dec 06 '21 edited Dec 07 '21

Hades is the good guy. He doesnt complain at all when he draws a freaking stick and has to keep watch over billions of pathetic whiny dead. his brothers rape thousands and generally do really disrespectful stuff without caring at all (medusa is because poseidon decided to make love in another gods temple with one of her followers, also multiple stories where zeus literally kidnaps and fricks over multiple woman) while hades is sitting over here, sure he kidnapped his wife but he didnt ever ever cheat on her, he let her go back up to her mom for half the year, and theres no traces anywhere that say he was a bad husband in any way. in latin, Cerberus roughly translates to spotted. Hades took care of billions of dead, loved his wife, and named his dog spot.

edit: you guys are wowing me with every comment. turns out i dont know very much about mythology lol

in all seriousness thank you for informing me about the things i got wrong and not just bulling me to hades and back <3

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u/dramaandaheadache Dec 06 '21

Basically Dante inferno was adopted as canon when it was just fanfiction. So cross reference the two and you'll realize a ton of shit isn't canonical

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u/acl2244 Dec 06 '21

That people who commit suicide go to Hell.

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u/EasilyLuredWithCandy Dec 06 '21

I was actually told this in adult Sunday school. The group leader said that even if you attempt you go to Hell.

I quit the class and told the pastor why. He assured me that the leader was wrong. I don't know if he ever said anything to him. My pastor knew I was private about some things at the time.

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u/Lifeboatb Dec 07 '21

At the church I went to as a kid, Sunday School teachers were just whoever wanted to volunteer, which meant they had zero training and would say whatever they felt like to little kids, with no oversight. It took me years to get over some of the stuff I was taught.

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u/Benoftheflies Dec 06 '21

Isn't this from catholicism? Like the 'sin' of killing someone is so bad that it would send you to hell unless you ask for forgiveness. But if you kill yourself then you can't ask forgiveness. But there are branches that think that you would be saved regardless of what you do, unless you forsake the religion entirely.

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u/MasterJohn4 Dec 06 '21

It's more complicated then that. Here's what the Catechism of the Catholic Church says about suicide:

"Suicide

2280 Everyone is responsible for his life before God who has given it to him. It is God who remains the sovereign Master of life. We are obliged to accept life gratefully and preserve it for his honor and the salvation of our souls. We are stewards, not owners, of the life God has entrusted to us. It is not ours to dispose of.

2281 Suicide contradicts the natural inclination of the human being to preserve and perpetuate his life. It is gravely contrary to the just love of self. It likewise offends love of neighbor because it unjustly breaks the ties of solidarity with family, nation, and other human societies to which we continue to have obligations. Suicide is contrary to love for the living God.

2282 If suicide is committed with the intention of setting an example, especially to the young, it also takes on the gravity of scandal. Voluntary co-operation in suicide is contrary to the moral law.

Grave psychological disturbances, anguish, or grave fear of hardship, suffering, or torture can diminish the responsibility of the one committing suicide.

2283 We should not despair of the eternal salvation of persons who have taken their own lives. By ways known to him alone, God can provide the opportunity for salutary repentance. The Church prays for persons who have taken their own lives. "

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u/jtobiasbond Dec 06 '21

That's the more traditional understanding but modern Catholic teaching emphasizes the role of depression, etc. and the no one can know the state of mind. So basically as science found that we often lose control catholicism considered a lot of sins less intrinsically damning (i.e. still wrong but not insta-hell).

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u/Tilian1986 Dec 06 '21 edited Dec 07 '21

That angels are humans with wings. They're not. As far as I remember there are some depictions of them in the Revelation but not in much detail (I'm pretty sure that the four animals next to the throne aren't angels, but I may be wrong on that).

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u/[deleted] Dec 06 '21

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u/snowlock27 Dec 06 '21

There's a reason whenever an angel would appear, it would first say "Be not afraid"

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u/HeftyPockets Dec 06 '21

There's a reason that they often said "do not be afraid" they appeared to humans. Imagine Cthulhu showing up in your backyard and being like "Chill bruh, I'm cool. My pal God sent me to talk to you."

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u/Magnus_40 Dec 06 '21

That Noah took two of each animal into the Ark.

He took 14: 7 male and 7 female of clean creatures and only a pair of unclean animals.

Gen 7:2 Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female.

Give that he sacrificed one of each of the clean animals that would be quite a facepalm if he only had a pair.

Gen 8:20 And Noah builded an altar unto the Lord; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar.

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u/imaloony8 Dec 06 '21

Wait wait wait. Noah sacrificed two of each animal on the boat? The flood only lasted 40 days. What kind of speedrun strats was Noah using for his blood sacrifices? Also, how the hell do you sacrifice something big like an elephant or a rhinoceros?

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u/Magnus_40 Dec 06 '21

No the rain lasted 40 days. The flood was much longer. A year and 10 days. It does make you wonder how he fed all the animals for a year and 10 days.

Gen 7:11 In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.

Gen 8:13 And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry.

14 And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, was the earth dried.

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u/wildstarr Dec 06 '21

Fed? How did 8 people clean the metric tons of poop that would accumulate on the boat?

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u/The_Max_V Dec 06 '21

All those people that think they're better than the rest because they openly demonstrate they're SO religious? The Bible literally say to pray and worship In secret.

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u/beththebookgirl Dec 06 '21

And, if I remember correctly, to do good deeds privately.

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u/[deleted] Dec 07 '21

Yup. "But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you." Mathew 6:3-4.

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u/nWo1997 Dec 06 '21 edited Dec 06 '21 Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome Faith In Humanity Restored Narwhal Salute

"God won't give you more than you can handle."

The quote is about temptation. God will not allow you to be tempted more than you have the ability to resist. Nothing about the severity of Trials and Tribulations. 1 Corinthians 10:13

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

To my knowledge, that Jesus was fully human and fully divine simultaneously. That wasn't really canon until the Council of Nicea in 325, I think (and even that council had a smidgen of politicking about it). (EDIT: might've got the wrong council. Those concerning Jesus's nature as Human and Divine, like the Council of Chalcedon, might've come later).

That Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed because they approved of homosexuality. As the story goes (Genesis 18), God planned to destroy the cities because the cry against them was so great, but Abraham said "will you kill the good with the bad? What if there are 50 good people there?" Abraham then haggled his way down to 10, but only found Lot's family. Later, two angels visited Lot's family (and remember that hospitality was a sacred virtue across several cultures in those days), to which the entire male population of Sodom responded by marching to his house and demanding to be allowed to violate the angels. A bit more than consensual butt-stuff, then.

The Devil's whole character arc, iirc, is mostly from Paradise Lost. That the Devil was the beautiful angel Lucifer who rebelled, was cast out (and smashed his face on the way down, apparently), renamed himself Satan, and became the ruler of Hell. And also became the Serpent in the Garden. Some interpretations (including Shin Megami Tensei) totally separate Satan from Lucifer, where Satan remains an accusing angel under divine authority (that is, basically the Prosecutor for God). The story of Job, where Satan is just chilling in Heaven, makes a bit more sense under this interpretation.

That masturbation/sex for pleasure is explicitly bad. One of the stories used against them is that of Onan, who used the pull out method, to which God with His own (pulled his life right out of the world). This story has been used to say that spilling seed is sinful, so any sex outside of the intent to procreate is sinful. BUT, there are other interpretations.

From what I've found, back in those days, if a man died and left a widow without a child, the man's brother had a duty to take the widow and produce a child; otherwise, a sister-in-law was off-limits. A child produced this way would pass in the name of the dead husband (as in, the child would be considered, for all non-biological intents and purposes, the dead man's son).

If Deuteronomy 25 5-6. is just a restatement of a cultural rule that already existed, then that might be the case.

If brethren dwell together, and one of them die, and have no child, the wife of the dead shall not marry without unto a stranger: her husband's brother shall go in unto her, and take her to him to wife, and perform the duty of an husband's brother unto her.

And it shall be, that the firstborn which she beareth shall succeed in the name of his brother which is dead, that his name be not put out of Is'ra-el.

Onan's explicit, God-given duty was to impregnate Tamar, his older brother Er's widow. God-given, as in it was a direct order. Now, Onan's and Er's father, Judah, was still alive. If Er or any of his line (which a child between Onan and Tamar would be) was alive, then when Judah died, Er or the child would get the firstborn's inheritance. If Er was dead, and there were no males in his name, then Onan would get it, since he had no more older brothers.

So we've got: (1) disobedience of a direct order from God; (2) sex with an off-limits person that wouldn't fall in the "pass in the name of the dead" exception (since you can't say in good faith the exception applies when you pull out), AND (3) an attempt to unjustly gain an inheritance. All three together kinda make the argument that it was about general non-procreation a bit weak.

EDIT: As to Jesus's nature, I might've got the wrong council. See: Hypostatic Union. But the main point stands that His nature was disputed for some time.

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u/dc5trbo Dec 06 '21

This guy bibles.

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u/nWo1997 Dec 06 '21 Helpful Wholesome Wholesome Seal of Approval

As a Christian, this comment means a lot to me. Thank you, I try

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u/Majestic-Macaron6019 Dec 06 '21

That wasn't really canon until the Council of Nicea in 325, I think (and even that council had a smidgen of politicking about it).

Politicking? Try flat-out arguing. Santa even punched a guy.

To be fair, the Council of Nicaea was called because half of Christendom though that the Gospels clearly presented Jesus as divine, and the other half thought the Gospels clearly presented Jesus as human. Arians (Jesus is just a human) are pretty much gone, but Miaphysites (Jesus has a blended human and divine nature) are still around, mostly in Ethiopia, Egypt, Lebanon, Syria, and their diasporas.

/nerd alert

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u/DeweyDecimator020 Dec 06 '21

Funny thing about Sodom and Gomorrah...Lot offered his daughters to the crowd of would-be rapists. Fortunately the angels intervened. Lot is a terrible person and I cringe when ministers say otherwise.

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u/Probonoh Dec 06 '21

His daughters were no prizes either, considering they date-raped their dad to get incest babies.

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u/QualifiedApathetic Dec 06 '21

Interesting how Onan was struck dead for his thing, but they came through it unscathed.

Also, I don't remember if the bible got to the part of the story where Lot found out they were pregnant and wondered how that happened without any men around other than hi--OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!

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u/_here_ Dec 07 '21

The Bible doesn’t condone their act. It is condemning it. The story says the kids of that incest became the founders of two of Israel’s enemies. Basically saying their enemies are product of incest

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u/Tilian1986 Dec 06 '21

His daughters weren't better. They got him drunk and basically raped him in his sleep.

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u/Leharen Dec 06 '21

So what was said is less that Lot's family were better than the citizens of Sodom and Gomorrah, and more that Lot's family were better by a margin that could be considered permissible by the Lord.

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u/Farmer771122 Dec 06 '21

The apple doesn't fuck far from the tree.

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u/Vagina-boobs Dec 06 '21

The lord help those who help themselves.

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u/oldmannew Dec 06 '21 Wholesome

Then I’ll help myself to another slice of cake.

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u/jessThepoet Dec 06 '21

"the only unforgivable sin is suicide"... Or "people who commit suicide go to hell" that's not true... The only unforgivable sin is blaspheme... And I think it's sad if someone has a family member who committed suicide then believes this bc the poor person must have had a hard life to ever do this. Then their child or someone thinks they went to hell

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u/thedavinagold Dec 06 '21

I had a roommate where her parents wouldn't allow her to date someone of African American decent because the "Bible said not to mix races"

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u/gingerbutterbutt Dec 07 '21

Yep. Was pretty worried about bringing my Asian fiancé around my white southern Christian family who told me in high school to not marry outside my race. Didn’t care what they thought about him, more about how they would treat him. Luckily they all love him and have fully accepted him, but my mom fought against it for a while. She has since apologized profusely and 4.5 years of marriage later has gotten over it because he’s the best.

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u/Surfing_Ninjas Dec 06 '21

Kind of a reverse of the question, but a lot of people pretend that "taking the Lord's name in vain" isn't about using other people's faith against them in order to acquire ridiculous wealth, privilege, and power. God most certainly does not approve of people like Joel Osteen and Kenneth Copeland and any of the other mega millionaire preachers but tons of Christians ignore it because it's "spreading Christianity".

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u/DaveTheRoper Dec 06 '21 edited Dec 06 '21

The commandment about not taking God's name in vain actually refers to speaking God's name (יהוה‎) in a flippant manner. There's a bit of a debate over the topic, but it's thought that in ancient times the use of that name was restricted to the kohanim (priestly class) in temple worship only, and some scholars think it might have actually been restricted to use only by the Kohen Gadol on Yom Kippur. Since the temple's destruction nobody uses that name anymore, and nobody really knows for sure how to pronounce that name anymore. This is why most Jews use "HaShem" when referring to God in non-worship contexts and "Adonai" during worship.

Source: Was raised Jewish.

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u/reptilesocks Dec 07 '21

As Leonard Cohen wrote in Hallelujah,

“You say I took the name in vain,

I don’t even know the name”

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u/TommyTuttle Dec 06 '21 Silver

A majority of evangelicals seem to think taking the lords name in vain means saying god dammit or something like that. No, your description is perfect. Pretending to be godly for the sake of manipulating others for your own advantage. That’s despicable. That’s the sin.

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u/orion_sunrider Dec 06 '21

That Satan is the warden of hell. He’s actually a prisoner

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u/KalessinDB Dec 06 '21

Prohibition against masturbation. People point the "The Sin of Onan" and talking about how he "spilled his seed on the ground" and how clearly that is the part of the story that he was struck down for. They conveniently overlook the fact that Onan was directly told to impregnate the woman by his god. He wasn't struck down for pulling out, he was struck down for openly defying a direct commandment.

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u/GaussfaceKilla Dec 06 '21

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:27‭-‬28 NIV

I don't get why people point to Onan. Jesus pretty clearly said not to lust after people. You don't even gotta jerk it to fuck up.

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u/moopuppy1995 Dec 06 '21

Mary has never been specifically referred to as a prostitute and was supposed to be Jesus's number one believer and supporter. It was a Pope who decided to turn her into a sinful woman probably because women can't be seen as anything else...

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u/I_throw_socks_at_cat Dec 06 '21

Aren't there three Marys in the bible, if you count Jesus' mother?

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